THE CONNECTION FACTOR

The Connection Factor can be a major source of misery and angst for the departing expat unless she devotes sufficient time to the unravelling of its many mysteries and gifts. We are all connected. We are members of many tribes: family, work and friends being the BIG 3. All of these connections run deep and are meaningful to both parties for a myriad of often unspoken reasons. After all, if there’s a connection, a certain amount of mind-reading is expected; at the very least, a recognition of mood and body language. Connection has a price, and that price is time spent in the company of the BIG 3. As connection develops so does a certain dependency, and dependency develops its own rules and expectations – and this works both ways. 

Now – take the expat departure, and it’s like extracting a currant from a bun. Where does all the stickiness come from? Why is it more about everyone else than me, I hear you ask in frustration? Well, when you put the BIG 3 together in one bun its pullback power is magnified. You are literally the needle extracting yourself from the haystack, or the currant from the bun. It is a challenging and emotional journey before the REAL challenging and emotional journey. But for the moment it IS the REAL one. 

But is pullback a negative thing, something to be angry and dismissive about? It very rarely is. It is about connections that are hurting; that see the vacuum that will arise with your departure; who anticipate erosion of connection as you live abroad; and who want to keep things as they are because they work – for everyone but you. The change is starting with you but like the pebble dropped into a pond there will be change ripples for everyone in your environment. Not all welcome change because change is uncomfortable with no guarantee that the outcome will be better. Often it isn’t because change begets change. Pullback is also a measure of your importance to your tribes, of the value you bring to their life. It is something to be grateful for especially since you are, in essence, saying by your actions, being part of your tribe is not enough anymore.  

Connections are strained or broken when you leave to live and work abroad.  As you turn away, it is in the sure knowledge that things will never be the same again, ever. They may be better, they may be worse, time will tell. But they WILL change. You cannot step into the same river twice. Your life experiences will mould you. Their life experiences will mould them. Who’s going to step up and nurture those connections? Whose responsibility is it – yours or theirs? Or is this the right question to be asking?